Hi Dad, its almost a year.

Hi Dad

I was going to write this on the anniversary but I just cant leave it that long. I'm missing you more now than I have all year. Its nearly Christmas and I just cant get into it, I know me of all people!. The one who's house is like a grotto and watches all the films but this year I just cant get into it yet, so I'm hopping this chat between us will help me. Selfish perhaps but I owe it to the kids and family to try.

Ive been through so much this year, I kept it all in when you passed, everything I was feeling, everything I had pushed down deep inside of me for all those months that I had to be strong to deal with it all as others needed me, it all came out as I had a major breakdown about a week later, said some awful things to those closet too me and caused chaos, it really didn't go well would be putting it mildly.

I was in a bad place for a very long time. I was then put in touch with a wonderful lady who helped me make sense of it all, I finally put to bed feelings and emotions Id had for decades, stuff Id never dealt with. We are alpha males aren't we, we don't need help we work through it, how wrong was I. She listened, didn't judge, and after a few months my head suddenly became clear, I see her every now and then because it helps. I'm not the angry, paranoid person Ive been for years anymore, for once I'm happy and Ive also learnt to not care what others think of me because I cant change their opinion of me.

That's been the hardest part accepting that people wont like me, family included, and there isn't a thing I can do about it. To finally have that peace is very liberating and has made me a better person. I still have faults we all do, but I'm at peace now. I wish Id done it years ago, but perhaps I needed the upheaval and the pain of losing you to finally make me see sense. I'm sorry I didn't do it whilst you were still here so as you could see the new me.

There have been so many times Ive gone to pick the phone up to call you this past year. You didn't half pick the year to pass didn't you! Spurs made the Champions league final, you'd have loved ringing me when Liverpool went 1-0 up and taking the piss on that one. You would have remortgaged the house for us to go and see England in the World Cup Cricket final and the joy I felt watching it was tinged with sadness you weren't there to see it.

I remember all those trips to Lords we did over the years watching the game that was your absolute passion, I even still laugh at you having a go at me for not catching the ball that came into the crowd that time. You remember, the white ball that came straight at us, we both lost sight of it as it went into the line of the only cloud in the sky and the bloke in front just tipped it up otherwise it would have smacked me in the face. You didn't comment how close Id come to being hit you moaned I hadn't caught it! The times you tried to get a Lords tie as well, no matter how many times you were told no you still tried much to my embarrassment.

Then there was the Rugby World Cup as well, we outdid ourselves beating New Zealand and burnt out before the final. You'd have been quite vocal and jumping out of the chair at that. I still have your passion for sport and watching these events, as much as I have enjoyed them, they are still tinged with a little sadness you aren't there to enjoy them with me.

I'm going Star Wars in a few weeks, remember when you came to see the Last Jedi with me? Munching your McDonald's and Mum warning you not to talk to me during it? You didn't listen did you, you poked good humoured fun all the way through it, asking questions, saying "Why they doing that for?" Knowing Id be telling you to shush, it just wont be the same without you there. My love of Star Wars came from you taking me to them all when I was a kid and me saying to you it was my turn when we went to see the Phantom Menace to take you. Ill enjoy the film as I'm excited to see it but it will be the first one Ive seen without you, so yeah I'm going to mess at the end aren't I?

So much has happened this past year, but the one thing I have come to terms with is that life truly does go on. We all feel your loss in different ways, but we all just have to keep going because there are other people that need us and rely on us to carry on. We speak about you regularly and we laugh together with those memories because that's the right way to remember you and we always will.

I'm going to carry on with my writing, I know you read the odd bit, I loved your feedback on Sammy, the only time we truly spoke about what I wrote, Ive never told any of the family that, it was always our secret. So for next year I'm going to write and finish Sammy. Its the one thing I felt I never had to compete with you. You had always set the bar so high with all that you achieved, but we spoke about it 18mths before you passed, the night Germany stuffed Brazil in the World Cup Semi-Final and you told me I didn't have to better than you I just had to make myself proud. It took a long time for me to get that. I think that was the deepest we ever got. I treasure that conversation.

So much has changed, so much has happened. the run up to Christmas has hit me hard and writing this letter to you has helped in a small way. Ill miss you for the rest of my life, some occasions will be harder than others, You wouldn't want me to feel sad or down so I'm going to pull up my big boy pants and put the tree up today. As I do I will toast your memory, be thankful for all you taught me and make sure I continue to be the best I can be for however long I have left.

Your memories are all you leave behind and my memories of our time together are what I cherish the most. Ill shed a tear when the day comes around as I will every year but I will continue to do my best and hope that you can see I'm trying to be the best I can be and that in some way your proud of me, of what Ive been through of how I got the help I needed and how the love of my family got me through it. That I'm now happier than Ive been in years and I'm not scared of screwing it because I don't carry that anymore.

I miss you old man, I always will, thank you for being my Dad and all you taught me. I will be forever grateful.

Love Tony x

My Dad

Apologies for not reading this out personally but any if you that have seen me try and make a speech at a wedding you will know I would never have made it through this.

Dad had been ill for a number of years now, with all that was wrong with him I feel blessed that we had as long as we did with him, those extra years and months to make more memories than we we thought possible. Dad fought for as long as he could finally passing away on the 29th December 2018.

We knew it would come to this eventually and we were extremely lucky that we were able to say our goodbyes, to get one more Christmas Day. A lot of people don't get that chance. I have no regrets of the hours, days, weeks and month's I spent by his side towards the end. Getting up and going to work then leaving there and going straight to see him every day. Its going to be weird not doing that for a while, it became part of my daily routine for such a long time. If the roles would have been reversed he would have been there the same for me. He was my Dad and Ill miss him every day for the rest of my life.

I want to share with you some memories of Dad and what he meant to me first as a child and then later on as I had my own family and started my own life. He wasn't everyone cup of tea, he had a very strong sense of what was right and wrong and would defend his beliefs with vigour, some would say that at times he cut of his nose to spite to his face, this may have been true but I admired him for some of the stances he took when he thought he had been wronged. He never backed down, not once if he believed he was in the right. Some would say its a fool stance but to me it showed me his in built strength to believe in himself no matter what it cost him.

My Dad gave me opportunities to do so many things I wouldn't have had the courage to do myself. Whatever sport I showed the slightest interest in, he was looking for clubs for me to participate in. Not always with great success, like the time I was asked to leave the archery club as a 10 year old because I accidentally shot an arrow through a side net in the gym into a gymnastics class that was taking place next door. Don't worry no one got hurt and Nicky was taking a break at the time it went through so I wasn't aiming at her, however that was an awkward car journey home.

Talking of awkward car journeys, go on you know where this is going don't you? Who else as a child was made to sit on a metal toolbox in his PJ's in the back of a cold, metal, GLC van? No one? Ah well must have been just me then because Nicky, my sister was cuddled up in the front with my Mum after we travelled home from those legendary card nights that he so loved. Nice and snug whilst I hung on for dear life in the dark and cold of that van. As I think back to those days, as I often do due to the fact I get shivers every time I see a metal tool box, Dad was one of the last ones left from those days, Wag passed away many years ago and Deano a few years back. The memories of those three sitting round a table arguing about who was cheating who, all in good humour, well that was what they told us kids anyway, are some of my fondest memories of my childhood. They used to wind each other up all the time and god help Mum or Barbara if they tried to step in because they would all three of them then turn on them for interfering.

He took me Tennis, hated it, Cricket, I loved that apart from batting, I didn't like being bowled at, Badminton, that was okay, Swimming, wasn't bad at that but didn't like the early mornings, and in later life we used to go to Lords every summer to watch the one day games, Dad trying to nick a members tie every single year without fail and never succeeding, trying to make out he was a member until asked for his pass which he conveniently blamed me for leaving it at our seats and me pretending to be upset about it, the things he used to make me do! Like the time he tried to sneak me into see Rocky 2 which was an A, the equivalent of a 15 nowadays, we nearly got away with it as well apart from the fact I was 9 and looked it and the woman standing at the door collecting tickets who wasn't having it even when Dad tried to convince her I was small for my age!. We lost that battle and I ended up seeing the Empire Strikes back instead. Many years later I remember taking Dad to see the new Star Wars films and saying to him it was my turn to take him. It was just a little thing between us.

Eventually there was the football. I played for a club for a year called 3 United, I wasn't good enough so left and joined a team called Sarvic. I scored a hat rick in my first ever game I played, I had no idea what a hat rick was tbh, Dad had convinced them I was a centre forward and they stuck me up front and told me to kick it as hard as I could all the time, which I did with some success. I do remember my debut, Dad having a bad back and using a walking stick to support himself on the day of the game, struggling out of the car, standing at the side of the pitch in his sheepskin coat and flat cap, he could hardly move, except when I scored my third one and he ran past me waving his stick in the air yelling and pointing at me. I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed.

The influx of players at the end of that season saw Dad start on a journey that would see him become a manager of a football team for the first time. From this he then went on to create 2 football clubs, run numerous teams and eventually join the Echo league, firstly as a divisional officer and then onto its finance officer where he stayed until he retired. Dads lists of achievements as a football manager are as follows, both from when I played and the teams and clubs he managed:

League division D Winners x 1 and League Cup Runners Up
League division C Winners x 1 and League Cup Runners Up
League division B Winners x 1 and League Cup Winners
League Division A Winners x 2 and League Cup Winners
Premier Division Winners x 2
London Cup Winners
Doris Barker Winner x 2

An impressive achievement by anyone standards. The clubs he ran also had success at all age groups, he set out a style of play within those clubs and made sure that all the teams within it played the ball on the ground and at pace. he believed in teaching boys to play football the right way, the way he wanted it to be played and if you disagreed with it you didn't stay very long. He spent hours reading books on skills and watching video tapes of coaches. If he ever set out to do something he put his heart into it.

He coached and encouraged numerous boys to be come better players, a few went on to play professional football for a living, he encouraged a friendship between us all that still stands to this day, as with his passing I have been inundated with people who played with me and were coached by Dad passing on their condolences and sharing their memories of him as a person. That shows how highly he was thought of, the legacy that he has left behind.

Not all teams he coached were successful, who could forget his attempt at men's football when asked by my cousin Robert to go an coach his pub team the Monarchs. In Rob's own words they were a great team who loved a fight as well!. The language I learnt over there watching them on a Saturday, looking after Robs Doberman who hated me he kept trying to get away from me every chance he got, although Rob says he would have bit me if he truly didn't like me, was an education in itself, but again time with my Dad I wouldn't swap for the world.

The day I got married he took me to one side before we left the house and said to me "Sarah's a good one look after her" we never hugged or showed affection, it was just the way we were, so for Dad to say that to me meant the world. I can still see him laughing his head off as I cracked up trying to make my speech as if it was the funniest thing he had ever seen, and it makes me smile to myself because those are the memories that are keeping me going.

Ive found myself these past few weeks smiling more and more to myself when I remember my Dad. He was a strict father, but also with a fairness to him as well. If you did wrong you got punished, if you didn't want to be punished don't do wrong, its not that hard to understand really. He had his fault's he wasn't a saint by any means, but he was my Dad, whatever I wanted to do as a kid we did it. No questions we just went and did it.

As you get older and start your own family you take some of the things that you were shown as a child and use them to shape your own life. My Dad taught me right from wrong, he taught me what loyalty meant and how trust can be a very powerful tool but to never make yourself a fool by being too trusting, to give people a second chance if they deserve it, but most of all he taught me the power of courage, to believe in yourself even when others doubt you or mock you for your belief. To always do your best, no matter what it is you are doing and never allow others opinions of you to shape you.

My Dad was one of the strongest people I knew. He fought with every once of his being, right to the very end. He never gave up, not once. I will miss him every day, I will miss our chats about football, cricket and old westerns and war films. I will miss his advice when I make mistakes, I will miss his encouragement when I need it the most. I will think of him at the strangest of times and in those moments I will try and remember his voice, his smell, and his laugther.

Dad would hate for us to remember him sadly, it would not be what he would want, and although today is a sad day, a final goodbye to him, it is important to us as a family that you remember the good times. The times he made you laugh, the times he shared a joke with you, the times he offered some sound advice, the times he stuck up for you. The times he was a friend to you. Remember the good in him, because whatever he did he did it because he wanted to, no one ever made Dad do anything he didn't want to do, we all know that, he was a stubborn sod when he wanted to be, but he was also incredibly kind and generous and never gave up on you if you showed the slightest bit of encouragement.

My Dad was many things to many people through his life, a husband, a son, a brother an uncle, a granddad to children he adored, he was a friend to many of you, but to me and Nicky he will always be our Dad and I can't think of anyone I would have ever have had the pleasure to call that to than Albert William Hodgson. Lets not call it goodbye Dad, lets call it Ill see you when I see, I will never forget you.

Tony