Hi Dad, its almost a year.

Hi Dad

I was going to write this on the anniversary but I just cant leave it that long. I'm missing you more now than I have all year. Its nearly Christmas and I just cant get into it, I know me of all people!. The one who's house is like a grotto and watches all the films but this year I just cant get into it yet, so I'm hopping this chat between us will help me. Selfish perhaps but I owe it to the kids and family to try.

Ive been through so much this year, I kept it all in when you passed, everything I was feeling, everything I had pushed down deep inside of me for all those months that I had to be strong to deal with it all as others needed me, it all came out as I had a major breakdown about a week later, said some awful things to those closet too me and caused chaos, it really didn't go well would be putting it mildly.

I was in a bad place for a very long time. I was then put in touch with a wonderful lady who helped me make sense of it all, I finally put to bed feelings and emotions Id had for decades, stuff Id never dealt with. We are alpha males aren't we, we don't need help we work through it, how wrong was I. She listened, didn't judge, and after a few months my head suddenly became clear, I see her every now and then because it helps. I'm not the angry, paranoid person Ive been for years anymore, for once I'm happy and Ive also learnt to not care what others think of me because I cant change their opinion of me.

That's been the hardest part accepting that people wont like me, family included, and there isn't a thing I can do about it. To finally have that peace is very liberating and has made me a better person. I still have faults we all do, but I'm at peace now. I wish Id done it years ago, but perhaps I needed the upheaval and the pain of losing you to finally make me see sense. I'm sorry I didn't do it whilst you were still here so as you could see the new me.

There have been so many times Ive gone to pick the phone up to call you this past year. You didn't half pick the year to pass didn't you! Spurs made the Champions league final, you'd have loved ringing me when Liverpool went 1-0 up and taking the piss on that one. You would have remortgaged the house for us to go and see England in the World Cup Cricket final and the joy I felt watching it was tinged with sadness you weren't there to see it.

I remember all those trips to Lords we did over the years watching the game that was your absolute passion, I even still laugh at you having a go at me for not catching the ball that came into the crowd that time. You remember, the white ball that came straight at us, we both lost sight of it as it went into the line of the only cloud in the sky and the bloke in front just tipped it up otherwise it would have smacked me in the face. You didn't comment how close Id come to being hit you moaned I hadn't caught it! The times you tried to get a Lords tie as well, no matter how many times you were told no you still tried much to my embarrassment.

Then there was the Rugby World Cup as well, we outdid ourselves beating New Zealand and burnt out before the final. You'd have been quite vocal and jumping out of the chair at that. I still have your passion for sport and watching these events, as much as I have enjoyed them, they are still tinged with a little sadness you aren't there to enjoy them with me.

I'm going Star Wars in a few weeks, remember when you came to see the Last Jedi with me? Munching your McDonald's and Mum warning you not to talk to me during it? You didn't listen did you, you poked good humoured fun all the way through it, asking questions, saying "Why they doing that for?" Knowing Id be telling you to shush, it just wont be the same without you there. My love of Star Wars came from you taking me to them all when I was a kid and me saying to you it was my turn when we went to see the Phantom Menace to take you. Ill enjoy the film as I'm excited to see it but it will be the first one Ive seen without you, so yeah I'm going to mess at the end aren't I?

So much has happened this past year, but the one thing I have come to terms with is that life truly does go on. We all feel your loss in different ways, but we all just have to keep going because there are other people that need us and rely on us to carry on. We speak about you regularly and we laugh together with those memories because that's the right way to remember you and we always will.

I'm going to carry on with my writing, I know you read the odd bit, I loved your feedback on Sammy, the only time we truly spoke about what I wrote, Ive never told any of the family that, it was always our secret. So for next year I'm going to write and finish Sammy. Its the one thing I felt I never had to compete with you. You had always set the bar so high with all that you achieved, but we spoke about it 18mths before you passed, the night Germany stuffed Brazil in the World Cup Semi-Final and you told me I didn't have to better than you I just had to make myself proud. It took a long time for me to get that. I think that was the deepest we ever got. I treasure that conversation.

So much has changed, so much has happened. the run up to Christmas has hit me hard and writing this letter to you has helped in a small way. Ill miss you for the rest of my life, some occasions will be harder than others, You wouldn't want me to feel sad or down so I'm going to pull up my big boy pants and put the tree up today. As I do I will toast your memory, be thankful for all you taught me and make sure I continue to be the best I can be for however long I have left.

Your memories are all you leave behind and my memories of our time together are what I cherish the most. Ill shed a tear when the day comes around as I will every year but I will continue to do my best and hope that you can see I'm trying to be the best I can be and that in some way your proud of me, of what Ive been through of how I got the help I needed and how the love of my family got me through it. That I'm now happier than Ive been in years and I'm not scared of screwing it because I don't carry that anymore.

I miss you old man, I always will, thank you for being my Dad and all you taught me. I will be forever grateful.

Love Tony x