Leaving

This place hasn't felt like home for a few weeks now, cardboard boxes are stacked neatly in every room, waiting patiently for the day to come when they will be transported to the new place. My feelings have changed now, once a place I called home it feels anything but now. The memories are still there, they will never fade, but it's just not home anymore, it's not my home.

We've been here 12 years now, it's gone so fast. I stand in the garden and remember the trees that covered the lawn, the concrete path that ran down the middle of the garden, the shed at the end on the right with it's net curtains. It's looks nothing like that now. The trees are gone and replaced with grass, the concrete path dug up and removed. The shed knocked down and replaced with a plastic one, half it's size and souless, the character of the shed unable to be replaced.

I turn and walk through the back door into the kitchen, remembering the winter when we had it built. It was so cold that year, we couldn't afford to have it built in the summer, we had to move out for three months whilst they did it. You pregnant with Grace, Laura a toddler, we moved in with your parents, watching from afar as it took shape. Choosing the paint and the kitchen, the tiled floor, the playroom we had built for the kids with the patio doors that led into the garden.

I run my hands over the smooth plastered walls, remembering the times I spent coming home from work and painting them, the drawn pictures we have stuck on the walls as proud parents whenever the kids have handed us their latest work. I walk into the hallway and see the mirror hanging there, a gift from the people we bought the house from. I run my hands over the White painted banister and remember the time I decided to strip it back to the wood, it didn't last long it looked awful.

I climb the stairs to the bedrooms, stopping at the one that houses the kids first. The holes in the wall show where the shelves have been that carried the cuddly toys we collected when they were young. The bunk beds that used to take up most of the room are gone now and I wonder how the kids will feel being split up into separate rooms in the new home. All they have ever known is sharing and it worries me a little. I touch the bright yellow wallpaper and remember the times I've painted it, the colours it's been, the cartoon characters that have been stuck on the walls and the sides of the room where the cots once stood.

I turn and walk into the bathroom, I can picture it strewn with towels and toys and I smile as I see the goggles on the side, left there from when the boys last had a bath and swam under water. I see the collection of shampoos and shower gels, strawberry cheesecake, lemon sorbet, orange and passion fruit, the girls love the smells of those when they bathe. I see the toilet seat is down and wet, a sure sign the boys have been in here already today. I grab a piece of toilet paper and quietly wipe the seat before walking across the halway.

I enter our room, I remember the freshness of the flowered duvet set cover on the freshly made bed. I stand there for a second and remember the good and the bad times. The tears that were shed when we lost our first baby, the tears of joy and suprise when I heard Michaels heartbeat for the first time. The cuddles from the kids and the sleepless nights when I couldn't fit in our bed because they were all in it. The cot by the side of the bed from when they first came home, the times I spent checking on them, poking them gently to make sure they were still breathing or laying there watching them sleep.

I walk out of the room and down the stairs for a final time. I reach the front room and walk into it one last time. The pictures are down from the walls now, all that's left is the telly on the unit we bought from ikea. We are leaving this behind, a gift to the new owners. I sit on the floor where the settee used to be and I can't help it lump reaches my throat. I realise this will be the last time I will ever walk through this house and it's hitting me hard. I take a deep breath and try and remember some good times, of which there are plenty.

Laura's first steps were in this room, we found out you were pregnant with Grace in this room, Michael said his first words in this room and Reece still cuddles you as he falls asleep on the settee in this room. I've told you hundreds, if not thousands of times I love you in this room, it's been the heart of our home for many years now.

I stand and take a deep breath, these last few steps are the hardest as I reach the door, the lump getting bigger in my throat, I feel the dampness of a tear leaving my eye and rolling down my cheek. I slowly open the door, turn once more too scan the place I called home, and walk through the door into the sunshine outside. I know I shall never return here, this isn't my home anymore. The memories are looked inside of me, they wont ever fade. I wipe my eyes and walk towards the car, the kids inside and you in the driving seat. I get in and you squeeze my hand, you don't have to say a word, there is nothing to say as we pull away and I watch the house get smaller in the distance. Were leaving and we are not coming back, I hear the wind rush past the car and I wonder if it's the house saying goodbye, one last message, a thank you for all the memories we've shared together, or perhaps it's just my imagination.

I hope not as I whisper a final goodbye to the place I called home.

Dear Laura

The skirt, clean and new hung neatly at the end of the bed. The dark blue blazer, with it's embroiled K and S hung on the door still covered in it's plastic, the plain white blouse freshly ironed hang next to that. I stood there last night looking at these items and wondered where the time had gone. Was it really today that you would be starting secondary school?

The years have passed so quickly, from when you were a baby and I nicknamed you the exorcist, your uncle Paul named you chicken legs because you were so skinny. Every time I fed you a bottle you would chug it down, your gums clamping on the teet like a vice. When you had finished I would spend 30 minutes winding you and you would then bring it all back up, hence the nickname 'exorcist' no wonder you had 'chicken legs'.

I remember when you first came home from hospital and I had your name printed on the back of my England shirt, I've still got it hidden away ready for when you turn 18, we had just beaten Germany for the first time in years at the Euro 2000 championships. I was a little worse for wear and sang you football songs for most of the night, your mum didn't mind and you kicked your legs and smiled at me, at least I thought it was a smile, perhaps it was wind, I'm sticking with a smile. You have joined me at Dagenham games and been to Wembley with me as well, memories I hope we both shall cherish.

You have grown so quickly and I know now that as you enter Secondary school the time will go even quicker. You will face new challenges, make new friends, and eventually will decide what career you want to do for the rest of your life. You have some many new and exciting adventures in front of you, and yet I feel I'm losing you a little every day.

The daughter I have loved and nurtured is growing into a beautiful, well adjusted young lady, who still cuddles up to me when we watch Doctor Who, but will eventually spend her Saturday nights out with her friends rather than with me, her old man. It's a good job this isn't paper otherwise it would like like one of your nanny's birthday cards with all tear stains on it.

I just wanted you to know that I'm proud of you, as is your mum and everyone else that knows you. That we will be here for you when you need us, to encourage you to try harder, to make the right decisions and sometimes perhaps to tell you no. To tell you well done, to tidy your room and do your homework, these years that are in front of you I want you to remember them for the right reasons, to look back on them and see what you achieved and never forget that we were always there for you.

This is your time to spread your wings, to dream your dreams and fulfil them, as much as I want you to stay 11 years of age forever I know that I can't and you have to start the path that will lead you into the rest of your life. Whatever happens remember I love you and I will always be there for you whenever you need me. Good luck Laura I hope Secondary school is everything that you hope it is. I love you dad x

An Open Letter To Bon Jovi

Hi Guys

I just wanted to say thanks really. Thanks for the wonderful memories your music has given me down the years and how important it has been in my life. From the first time I heard Livin On A Prayer at a disco in Barkingside too your appearance on the X Factor last weekend and your one night with show tonight its been a special journey.

I remember going to see you on the Slippery When Wet Tour in 1986 at Wembley Arena and being absolutely blown away by the sound and the noise as well as the energy that flew around the Arena that night. A new legend had been born.

I can remember buying New Jersey from Woolworth's in Romford. I bugged my mum for ages too buy it for me and she finally agreed. I went in bought the cassette and walked outside put it straight into my AWAI Walkman and waited for the first drum beats of Lay Your Hands On Me to burst through the headphones. I was the easiest child anyone had ever taken shopping after that. Listening to it on a Walkman on the way to school and trying to complete Bad Medicine without taking a breath with Mark Harrison was another special moment.

You then disappeared for a few years didn't you?. I guess you needed a break after all the touring you had done.There were issues with the band and one of you left making you a four piece from a five that I had grown up with. The one thing I loved about you though, that made you different from the other bands of the time and still sets you apart to this day? You let the fans chose the songs that make the albums. I wish I could have been there at one of those. A lucky few were played tracks you had recorded and then they chose, by a voting system what made the album and what didn't. Some true classics were formed this way weren't they? Dry County from the Keep The Faith Album and Living In Sin from the New Jersey Album. Two of my favourite records of all time but without this method they would never have made the Albums.

You have always been there at key points in my life as well. These Days came out whilst I was on my honeymoon and Crush came out and went to Number 1 the day my daughter was born. Have A Nice Day came out the year my eldest son was born as well. Your Albums and songs have touched on aspects of my life at the most important times and made them truly special.

My favourite memory though? Travelling too Southampton on a hot summers evening, Bon Jovi albums stacked and playing in the car as we made that journey. The reason? The Have A Nice Day tour was playing at St Marys that night. I watched as I had done many times as you had the crowd eating out of your hand all night long. The sun beating down and me? About two rows away from the edge of the stage watching a legend in action.

You are my favourite band of all time. You are the only band that I get excited about when I hear you have a new Album or Single coming out. Its been 25 years since I first heard your music and I just wanted to say thanks. Its been a blast and long may it continue, you are my generations Rolling Stones.

Cheers

Anthony

An Open Letter To Fabio Capello

Alright mate? Hows you? Feeling pretty crap I bet aren't you? It wasn't supposed to be like this was it?. All that success you've had in your career, this was supposed to be the pinnacle wasn't it?, the final cap of glory to end your career on a high, to go out a hero and be remembered forever. Not going to plan is it? Do you know what though? I don't blame you at all. Yep that's right I don't blame YOU!. Want to know why? Let me explain.

The problem you have is that the expectation on you is beyond reason. You haven't inherited the Golden Generation, there never was one fella. We had some good players of course we did but World Class? No way mate maybe Beckham but that was about it. You are used to working with the best aren't you? Where ever you have been the best have been there haven't they? Well if I was you Id be suing the FA for selling you a pack of lies. Me? I wouldn't even buy a second hand car off that lot mate. How I long for the day of Graham Kelly. What do we have now? Chief Execs who are too scared to do the right thing by us the fans. Yep that would be right.

Don't get me wrong you don't help yourself sometimes do you? Whiltshire for example, if you take him away from the Under 21's then play the lad. If not leave him where he is. I hear all the press are now crying for an English Manager because they will be so more successful. Listen fella it ain't going to happen and the reason is simple. The players don't care anymore. End of. They would rather play for their clubs than their country. You know it, I know it, and they know it.

All the greedy gits are interested in is where that next pound is coming from and who has the best car and watch. They just don't care about being part of a team that represents us the working man. Oh I know they would never come out and say it the press would wipe the floor with them, so they go through the process of being injured then miraculously being fit for the Saturday/Sunday/Monday game.

Fabio you seem like a nice fella, so if I was you Id walk away and tell them to get on with it. It may cost you some money but whats money to you ahead of your integrity and pride. I would understand as would fans from the other 76 football clubs NOT in the Premier League.

So tell them too stuff it mate, then watch as we qualify whilst being beaten to a pulp in the finals and the English manger does worse than you. Until the players change nothing will so chin up mate and tell them too stick it.

Cheers Fella

Anthony

An Open Letter To Wayne Rooney

Oi Wayne, what on earth do you think you are doing? You want to quit Manchester United then do you? Mate I never had you down as the brightest button in the box but even you cant be that stupid can you? Honestly? It would be the worst decision you EVER made, well apart from the granny grabbing and the prozzies but more of that later hey fella.

I'm no Man Utd fan to be honest, but I hate seeing good players waste a god given talent. Don't even get me started on Gavin Henson and Strictly. If you ain't careful Shrek that's where you are going to be 10 years from now. The most talented English footballer we have had in years and what do you do? Bite the hand that feeds you. Well done fella.

I don't get it I really don't. You want to leave the most successful club in the past 15 years, the most successful manager the British Game has ever had and go where? Spain? Mate even you cant be that stupid can you?. You think that your missus is going to follow you to Spain like some sort of puppy dog? Yeah can see that happening. After all you've done to her you expect her to leave her family and move to Spain to live with you?. I think her family may have something to say about that.

I hear Madrid fancy you playing for them, sounds good doesn't it, well apart from your best mate Ronaldo being there hey? Remember him, the winker? Yeah that's the fella. Oh not looking so good now is it!. Wayne mate you are your own worst enemy by far. You have become so arrogant that you think the world revoles around you don't you?. Guess what matey it doesn't and the quicker you realise that the better you'll be. You cheated on your wife with prostitutes not once but twice. If that wasn't bad enough you did it whilst she was pregnant and then you have the gall to have ago at the press? Utterly priceless.

You are at a crossroads in your career now mate. Your 25 and need to grow up. Fergie knows when too offload a player mate. Can you name any that he has got rid off that have bettered their career at their new clubs? Nope none. Not ONE of them. Beckham pranced around Spain for a bit selling shirts then went to LA. Van Nistelroy did the same and won nothing. So yeah Wayne sounds a great idea doesn't it.

Here's some advice for you, no don't worry its free. Shut Up!. Yep simple as that. Shut Up!. Go too Fergie and tell him you want to stay, then work hard and battle your way back too form. It wont be easy but you brought it on yourself so tough. Have the balls for a change to admit you were wrong. If you want to be remembered as a truly GREAT player then work at it and stop running away every chance you get and blaming everyone else. You slept with the prostitutes, you annoyed Fergie, you had a crap World Cup. Look in the mirror for once and admit you were wrong. Then start putting it right before you waste what talent you have and become a figure like Gazza, a wasted talent who people feel sorry for. Its up to you, are YOU man enough?

Cheers fella

Anthony

To The Love Of My Life My Wife Happy Anniversary

This is a proper sentimental one but she deserves it. Ive written this so many times trying to get what I want to say down and its probably been one of the most difficult ones because I want it to be right for her to tell her how much I love her so here goes. Happy Anniversary x

It was 20 years ago today that I met the woman who would change my life forever and make me the man I am. My wife, My soul mate, My Best Friend. I suppose you could call us childhood sweethearts, we were 17 when we met and I can still remember it as clear as yesterday.

I was sitting in my future brother-in-laws clapped out beige Fiesta trying to get the attention of this other girl who Id asked out a few days earlier when there she was. All permed hair, Miami Vice style jacket, blue jeans and high heels. Hey the 80's had just finished what did you expect?.

I never believed in love at first sight but when I saw her I knew she was the girl for me. I cant explain it, something just went off in my head and I knew it was her. This though left me in a little bit of a predicament though. What I didn't know was that the girl Id just asked out was her mate. So being the kinda cool guy I was I quietly dumped her mate and turned my attention to Sarah.

It turned out to be one of the best decisions Ive ever made and Ive never regretted it. Ever. We have had hard times like everyone, we rarely argue and she makes me laugh everyday. She changed me for the better and supports me even when I have the most crazy of ideas. She has a way of persuading me to do things I don't want to do by making me feel guilty about until I do it. I wouldn't change that though its what I love about her.

We work at what we have, some people give up too easily, I never will. I know what I have is truly special to me. I will never do anything to hurt her, as Paul Newman once said "Why go out for burger when you have steak at home?" that to me sums up how I feel about her. She is everything I could ever possibly want. There will never be another.

She is the most important person in my life and I would be totally lost without her. She is the mother of my 4 kids. I knew when I met her that she was the one who I wanted to be with, to have kids with, to spend my life with. The best mum in the world to them and always does whatever she can to make sure they are happy and they get what they want within reason. She is the most caring and loving person I have ever met. She is so many peoples shoulder to cry on and she does it without moaning every time.

She changed me from the person I was to the person I am now and she did it not for herself but for me. To make me happier about myself and the person I want to be. She doesn't moan when I spend most of the night on my laptop writing my blogs and book. She understands this is what I want to do and supports me in doing this.

Id be lost without her, she is my whole world. I cannot explain to you how much I love and respect her and count myself extremely lucky to have met her. I could use all the cliches in the book but I'm trying not to because I don't want this too sound cheesy.

If you know her you ll understand what I'm saying. Some people go their whole lives not meeting the 'one', I'm one of the lucky ones who did. I know what Ive got and I'm never letting it go. We've been married 13 years this year and that's for life as well. To death do us part.

Sarah, I know you'll laugh at this blog and be a little embarrassed by it, you'll moan at me for being soppy as you always do, but well I just want you to know I love you with all my heart and I wake up every day realising how lucky I was too have met you when I did and the way you changed me for the better. I will continue to be the best father and husband I can because that is what you deserve. Nothing less. Thank you for being my wife, the mother of my kids, the person who changed me, but most of all for loving me. When we are old and grey I want us to be the old couple sitting on Hastings beach sharing a bag of chips and watching the youngsters walking by.

I love you Doris and I always will. xxx

An Open Letter To The Cheats And Liars

You don't know the real me do you? Do you even care? No of course you don't!. Why would you? Its easy to lie and cheat and spread rumours about me isn't it? I'm sure it is of great comfort to you isn't?

Did you know that I have considered removing myself from Facebook and stopping writing my blog because of you?. Do you care? Ive thought long and hard about this, about whether to write this blog, but I need to let the release valve off of the tap that is holding it all inside. As they say, the power of the pen is mightier than the sword.

I wasn't going to write this blog. I have let this eat me up and enough is enough. Take the target off my back please Ive had enough. Why are you attacking me? Because I'm an easy target? Because you think I wont fight back? Because I am seen by you as soft? How wrong you are!.

You have stirred something in me that has been dormant for many years. My fight. My utter intolerance for liars and cheats. You attack me because you did wrong and I stood up to you. This will be short and sweet. Enough is enough.

I have the support of the people that know me. You don't care though do you? Why would you? Its easy to tell lies and get your verbal punch in first isn't it?. Well I am not going down, I may be reeling, I may be having trouble sleeping through the hurt and stress your lies have caused me but the truth will out. It always does in the end. I WILL be proved right yet again.

So bring your A game because you are going to need it. I will give you two options now. The first is back off. The second is make sure your right, because I will be there at the end to watch you fall. Ill make sure of that.

I have a message for you first though, are you ready? Go F'@@@ Yourself because I'm ready for YOU now.

Anthony

An Open Letter To Premier League Footballers

Okay enough is enough. This by all means doesn't tar you all with the same brush as some of you are honest decent hard working professionals. However there is a huge element of you that are to be honest thick as an oak door. If your pampered agents and managers wont tell you then I shall because you are destroying my love for a game I cherish and you clearly do not. So shut up, sit down and pay attention, Rooney you may have to put the crayons down son this is big man stuff.

What the hell is wrong with you lot? You are pampered beyond belief, you are surrounded by people who do whatever you say, you earn more money in a month than nearly all of us will see in a decade. You have people that would give their right arm for what you have, people that sacrifice their own money to go and watch you kick a ball about for 90 minutes every week, children that put posters on their walls, that wait for hours just so you, YES YOU sign a piece of paper and perhaps say hello to them. How do you repay them? With the morals of the devil and an attitude that goes with it. To be honest it disgusts me now, Ive had enough.

Who you sleep with is your issue, if you want to sleep with a prostitute good luck to you, if you want to sleep with the quality that throws itself at you when you go out clubbing go ahead. However if you are going to do this then DON'T get married. My marriage means more to me than anything, to you its convenient, a trophy to show off. You have no respect for what a marriage is you idiots, why would you?. You do what you like anyway. You hurt YOUR families and show the kids of today that this type of behaviour is acceptable when we as parents spend years telling our kids its not. You treat women with utter contempt, I'm not excusing the girls that chase you they have serious self-esteem issues, but if you turned them away they wouldn't chase you in the first place would they?.

If you do not want to be a role model then stop taking the money that the advertisers PAY YOU to promote their products that are aimed at kids. It doesn't work both ways, but hey what would you know most of you cant even change a light bulb or a tyre, someone does that for you don't they? You bleat on about pressure, what pressure? Kicking a ball about for 90 minutes and winning a game which you then have bonuses paid for? You wouldn't know pressure if it bit you on the bottom. Pressure is going to do a job that you hate knowing that if you don't the mortgage wont be paid an your family will be on the street. Pressure is making your pittance of a salary stretch till the end of the month so as you can buy your kids shoes. You should be ashamed of yourselves for even mentioning pressure as an excuse.

You struggle playing for your country? When you can be bothered to turn up Terry and Lampard. Its a pleasure to represent your country when chosen. You represent us and half the time you cant be bothered to put the effort in. To much trouble is it? Sorry about that but hey what do you care your still getting fans loving you aren't you.

I have had enough now, as you can probably tell. You to be honest disgust me. My son wants to be a footballer, Id rather he be a politician. You are well paid, and talented but so cocooned in the worlds that you have created you think you can walk over us the ordinary punter, cheating, lying and beating us up when you feel like it and your stupid clubs protect you. Me? Id let you throw the full weight of the law at you and let you rot. I honestly hope the bubble bursts because it needs to. I don't begrudge you what you earn, sound strange after what Ive said? No not really I just want you to show us the fans a bit of RESPECT. Mostly though I want you to realise that kids watch what you do and think that's okay, its not and never has been.

So Rooney pick up your crayons and get on with your life. I hope she leaves you, I really do, you have a child man and you went with a prostitute real classy. Terry and Lampard? Id never pick them again. Lets see how often they kiss the badge this season shall we. Crouch? You idiot. Cole? Got what you deserved mate. Ramsey? Ill wait until the truth comes out. All the others with injunctions against the Sunday Papers? I hope it does come out perhaps then people will see you for what you really are wont they?

To the honest professional players, thank you its a pleasure watching you every week and YOU have my respect. The others, never have and never will.

Yours sincerely
Anthony

An Open Letter To Myself

Alright Mate

Hey you! Yes you! Don't look at me like that, that your all surprised I'm talking to you. You know who I am you just don't listen to me enough. Its me you self confidence. Oh you try and shut me up and put me away well let me tell you mate this time you are going to listed whether you like it or not. Now sit down shut up and let me get started.

Whats it been now a year maybe two since I last spoke to you? Has it been that long. Crikey you really have been beating yourself up haven't you. Well you finally did it. You finally decided to do what you always wanted to do. Well done. I haven't finished yet so don't start getting fidgety. Okay so you don't like praise and you don't like being told what you have done well. Who does? What makes you so different from the rest of us?.

Have a look at what you have and what you have achieved. Makes you smile doesn't it? Yep thought so. Its only the start not the end. You have your whole life left to really do what makes you happy. Take the plunge go on do it. Ill be here to give you a helping hand if you'll let me. I know sometimes you listen to doubt more than me. Don't worry I don't take it personally, although he never lets me forget it. You have more than some people ever have. A family, great kids, a loving wife, whats it been 20 years since you met her? You gotta be doing something right haven't you or she wouldn't still be there.

Its time to grasp what you really want, to go out there and get it, to chase that dream of yours. If you don't doubt will never let me live it down. Ill do my best to stop him but every now and then he will appear, just ignore him he talks a load of rubbish anyway most of the time. Ill be there in the early hours of the morning when you cant sleep, Ill be there when you cant see the wood for the trees as well. It will take time, hey I never said it was going to be easy did I?

So don't tuck me away and listen to me every now and then. I talk a lot of sense you know. You've just got to let me be heard above the others. As for that charisma thing, well I'm working on it but I cant get him out of the pub, doesn't stop all night that one, a real handful. Good luck and Ill be there when I can.

Yours Sincerely

Your Self Confidence