Wednesday, 23 March 2011
The Bond That Binds Us
I'm sitting here in the darkness, the moon the only light, the rain falling softly down upon me, tears streaming down my face. The hurt and anger eating away inside of me. How did it come to this?, How did it get to the stage where I cant go on anymore?. I was happy once, although that seems such a long time ago now. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, I didn't court it, but still it found me, and pushed me to the edge. Its been six months now, every day the same it never changes, the abuse, the name calling, the threats.
My legs dangle over the side of the building that I now sit upon, the concrete cold through my jeans. My hands placed either side of me ready to push myself off at any moment. My heart beats faster as I survey the tops of the buildings around me, darkness surrounds them, no one able too see me here. I can see people moving about in the flats below the tops of the buildings, going about there nightly rituals unaware that I am here, not knowing what I plan to do if I can muster the courage.
People say you are weak if you take your life, Ive never felt more stronger in all my life. My breath comes thick and fast now, my chest heaving with the burden I place on my lungs. If it has too end this way, then so be it, this is the only out for me know. The only way I can make it stop. Ive been here for an hour now trying to work up the courage to end it all. Is this the way it was all planned for me? Is this the way that my life is due too end? I think of nothing else as I straighten my arms and get ready too push myself one final time.
"How does it feel?"
The voice comes from behind me startling me a little and I recognise the voice straight away.
"Does it scare you?"
I turn and there he is my tormentor. The person that has pushed me to where I am now
"Go away" I yell
"Why? So as you can do this on your own? Why should I allow you that after all you didn't allow me that did you?"
"Ive told you I'm sorry" I cry at the top of my voice
"Your sorry?" He begins to laugh long and loud
Except he isn't there. It is only I that can see and hear him. The voice in my head that hasn't left me alone since that day. I hadn't meant to drink that night, I only meant too have the one, but I got carried away and full of bravado I had drove my car home. He had been minding his own business, walking home along the road lost in the music that played through the earphones he had in his ears. He didn't see me when I had lost control of the car and mounted the pavement. I had killed him instantly. I was to find out later that he was a father of two young children.
He had found me soon after, at night at first he had come and spoken to me, telling me he wasn't going to rest until I had payed for what I had done. He wouldn't listen when I told him how sorry I was, it made no difference he had wanted revenge and had haunted my dreams every waking minute since. I saw his face in the mirror as I shaved, I saw his body on the floor each time I passed the spot where it had happened. He spoke to me every time I saw his face and it was always the same, I want revenge again and again.
"Hey lad, whats the matter? Why don't you come back here a little and we can talk for a bit?"
I looked through my tormentor and saw the caretaker of the building standing there in the entrance of the stairway. I looked at him for a moment my heart beating faster and faster. I wasn't sure what to do? How did he know I was here? The building had been empty when I arrived, I had made sure of it.
"Can you see him?" I asked the panic gripping my throat
"See who lad?" He looked puzzled but stepped slowly onto the roof from the staircase I had used earlier that evening.
"He cant see me, only you can" My tormentors voice rose once again in my head
"Please you have to help me" I shouted towards the stranger.
"That's why I'm here" he said walking slowly towards me.
"I just want it too stop. I just want him to leave me alone" I cried tears falling down my face.
"Okay lad but first you have to give me your hand" He stood there his hand stretched out towards me.
I took it slowly and stood up.It felt warm and friendly and I started too feel some comfort at last. I didn't see his other hand come towards me and push me hard in the chest. I could feel the wind rushing past me as I fell into the darkness below, the face of my tormentor and the man I thought my saviour peering over the side of the building.
"You can rest in peace now son" The caretaker turned and faced my tormentor as they slowly grew distant before my eyes.