This is a blog I never thought Id write for a number of reasons. If it rambles a little then forgive me this isn't an easy one to write.It is though important for me to have closure on the events of the past year and this blog is the end of it all. I didn't think I would ever write again, I had nothing to say and I stopped doing things I enjoyed this blog being one of them.
A year ago today I was diagnosed with depression. To be honest it had been with me for many years but I had never done anything about it. I had time off work and some tablets and 4 weeks later I went back to work. That decision was the worst one I have ever made. I ended up worse than I was before, on a higher dose of tablets, and to be honest if I wasn't so heavy and crap at knots I wouldn't be here. Does that shock you? I know my family my read that and its part of the story they don't know. So why put it in? Because I need to have complete and utter closure and that means writing things that people may find difficult to read. Damn it Ive been through hell, Ive put my family through hell and I'm angry that I made them suffer as much as I was.
I'm not proud of what I put them through, there were times when I was an arsehole, there were times when I didn't deserve them, but I was ill. Does that excuse it? In my mind to a certain degree it does. That sounds incredibly selfish doesn't it? To me it is a way of coping, not excusing, with what I did. Will they ever forget and forgive me? I don't know, they are still here so Ill take that one day at a time for now.
Depression is an awful soul destroying illness, it doesn't just affect you, it affects others but you don't care, all you care about is how you feel. Nothing, and I mean nothing else matters. Ive been to the darkest places in my mind that scared the hell out of me. Ive had thoughts Ill never discuss with other people, there have been times when I have wanted to run away, to leave it all behind but for some reason I never did. I don't know why.
There was always something that held me back, something that would reach into me and tell me it would get better. I had to believe that and thankfully now a year later, a year after being diagnosed, a year of 40mg tablets and three months off work, I am free of it. Free of pills, free of darkness, free of being someone I hated for all the hurt I was causing, and for once, selfishly I'm happy. Happy to be me. God that feels good saying that.
There is still an anger in me at what I have done to people around me and to myself, I fight that most days because the last year has been a total waste. I could have done so much more with my life in these past 12 months and I haven't. To be honest I feel Ive wasted them, Ive hurt people and I cannot take that back. All I can do is beg their forgiveness and hope that we can build bridges again and one day be the way we were. All I can do is ask for their forgiveness.
For the first time in a long time I am making plans on what I want to do with my future. Ive started going to the gym again, finally determined to lose the weight that has burdened me for too many years, Ive rediscovered a love of reading that I thought I had long lost and a pleasure in spending time with the people who mean the most to me.
Ive dabbled with the bible, it is giving me more questions than answers but its also bringing me a comfort and a spiritual awakening that is helping me cope. I'm not saying I'm going to convert calm down, I'm just saying that it is giving me some spiritual comfort and to be honest at the moment its helping. I have trouble believing a lot of it to be honest, to many years being a non believer but it is challenging my take on things and that can only be for the better.
So to the following people I thank you for all you did even when you didn't know what to say or do at times, the fact I KNEW you were there helped me.
Paul the best bro in law a man could ask for you were so pissed at me at times but you never said anything, even when I deserved a bollocking you didn't give it, you listened when I talked so thank you, Nicky my little sister you saved me that day at yours when I really lost it, Gary for being at the end of the phone, Sarah-Jane for asking how Sarah was I will be forever grateful and finally my wife. I cant believe we made it, Its been hard for you as it has for me but we made it. You are the love of my life and the reason I'm still here.
I'm fighting back and for the first time in a long time I'm winning. It feels good to be me.