The Eurovision song contest is, for those that don't know, a signing competition held once a year, where every country in Europe enters a singer from their country to represent them. The countries then vote too decide who is the winner and they then have the pleasure of hosting this event the following year...sounds great doesn't it?
Well it isn't, its three hours of listening to people singing in their own language, dressed in most cases like a throwback between a 70's glam rock artist and an 80's new romantic at the same time. They then babble on about how their dog/cat/goldfish has died and how they will never forget them or how they are going to save the world, normally sung by a small cute child. There is even a qualifying round to see who makes the final. I'm not being funny but what the hell are some of them like who don't make it after seeing some who do. The worst part of all this is that we take it seriously and get all angry and hurt when we don't win!
We as a nation, are before all this wonderous event starts, subjected to a 2 hour programme where we have to vote for our entry. We sit there watching this and then PICK UP THE PHONE AND VOTE FOR A WINNER!!!. This has taken on new levels of Great British arrogance in the last few years where we have had Lord Weber writing the song. Now don't get me wrong Lord Weber writes a great musical but when did he last have a number 1 record? Nope me neither.
This year we have a song written by Pete Waterman, come on you must remember SAW ( Stock, Aitken and Waterman ) well if you are over 30 you will have grown up with Rick Ashtley, Sonia, Mel and Kim, Sinitta and not forgetting the power house that was Hazel Dean? No okay I'll move on. Now don't get me wrong Mr Waterman writes a great 80's record but when did he last have a number 1 record? Nope me neither, can you see a pattern emerging here?
We will then send, a to be honest, holiday camp or stage school reject singer/group to represent us, Jemini/ Scooch/Daz Sampson anyone, come on you must remember Jemini they went on stage to a rapturous applause only to forget the words! What about Scooch, they dressed as airplane attendants and were last seen on Coach Trip this year. Who can forget Das Sampson the 40 year old who dressed as a school boy, when Brittney Spears did it lets be honest it was kind of cute, but Das Sampson well it looked creepy didn't it. So we have not been a resounding success have we?
We then come onto the voting, each country goes around speaking to representatives of each nation, normally good looking men/women, well apart from Turkey usually, and take it in turns to give each other points ranging between 12 and 1, with the best song getting 12 and so on, ah the voting where we are all equal in this great superstate that is Europe...are we heck they hate us and we hate them. Germany will give its best marks to France and vice versa, Denmark will give its top marks to Sweden and vice versa, Spain will give its top marks to Portugal and vice versa, whilst us the United Kingdom ( bet Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland are well chuffed they are lumped in with us) will get nil point from just about everybody on the night. We then have the chance to watch the winner sing about their dog/cat/goldfish or saving the world by that cute child again in a language we don't understand.
We were good at Eurovision once, we used to win it quite a lot, Brotherhood Of Man, Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the Waves ( yes I know she was American but what the hell we won it didn't we!). Times change and we don't and that is what makes us so British. We believe we are the best at everything we do, we are even going to win the World Cup apparently (that blog will be on tomorrow sports fans!). However we haven't a cats in hells chance of winning tomorrow night, we nearly sent Jordan a few years ago didn't we. What a sight that would have been, a rather ragged bird in a skin tight costume singing badly out of tune, oh no wait we've done that already haven't we with Gina G, oh well best not to make the same mistake again oh wait....nah Ill leave it.
After saying all that though I shall be sat there tomorrow night beer in hand, snacks by my side watching it. Laughing at the weirdness that is Eurovision caring not a jot that we wont win, but then shouting at the telly at the injutce of the voting system, and watching our poor entry trying not to cry as he watches his fledgling career go up in flames in front of the whole of Europe, singing a song that to be fair even Pete Waterman wouldn't have released as a B side ( ask your mum or dad if you don't know) at his peek.
Hoping against hope that by some miracle we win it, well stranger have things have happened haven't they? Enjoy your Eurovision party if your having one and encourage our lad onto the inevitable nil point.....we wouldn't have it any other way.