Wednesday, 15 December 2010

My Worst Ever Christmas.....So Bad I Had TWO!!

I'm bunged up with Man Flu and to honest I haven't heard anything properly for a few days now as my ears are blocked, my nose thinks its a tap and I have a cough Fagin would be proud off. I feel terrible so what better time to cheer myself up than with telling you lot about my worst ever Christmas Presents. Don't think I'm an ungrateful sod because I'm not. I love giving presents and I like receiving presents.........when they are what I ask for. Ive had some crackers down the years, so sit back and enjoy my worst ever Christmas presents.

Okay lets start with the year my mums mate bought me some gifts. Ill set the scene. She is a little eccentric but a lovely lady and has always been very kind to me. However she used too treat me as an 8 year old child as she didn't like the fact I had grown up. So there we were one Christmas Day, I was 18 and it was my first Christmas with my wife to be. She had come round too pick me up to take me back to her Mum and Dads for the evening and arrived as we were unwrapping presents.

Now I have to say I had warned her about my Mum's friend who we shall call, oh I don't know Joyce, sod it I cant be arsed to make a name up!. Anyway there I was opening a few presents when Joyce passed me her gifts. I opened the first one too find a, now wait for it, a CHOCOLATE SANTA!!!. Oh yes she had bought me a CHOCOLATE SANTA for Christmas. It doesn't end there though as there were TWO presents too open. So thinking I couldn't have a worse present I opened the next one.

I lifted it up and there it was, I lie too you not, A RUDOLPH JUMPER!!!. At this point unable too contain herself anymore my wife to be burst out laughing and with a 'What the Fuck is that?' collapsed on the floor laughing tears rolling down her face. Me? Oh I sat there trying not to laugh as well thanked Joyce, dragged the wife to be by the arm and left the house. That though fails miserably when it comes to the worst Christmas I ever had.

Picture the scene, its 1993 I am 21 years old and have told my Mother a few months earlier that I am moving out in the next few months too buy my first place with the wife to be. She gets all teary and excited and tells all the family as well. Christmas Day comes and I'm sitting there waiting for my presents, Excited as I can see some of them with my name on are quite large.

So we start opening presents and I get passed a few pressies too open. I open the first one and my world falls apart. I have just opened a PEACH BATHROOM TOWEL SET!. Thinking I have the wrong present I check the label, nope its addressed to me from my Mum and Dad. I laugh thinking this is a one off. My Dad laughs back thinking the same thing, so I open the next one. Its A GLASS NUT TRAY!. Que much laughter from the Old Man who has just opened 4 Videos of assorted top films from the time.

A sense off dread now falls over me. All those hopes I had for the big presents are starting too fade away. Next up its a square box, I open it and ITS A TOASTER!!. Anyone watch Bullseye as a kid? You know the bit at the end when he says look what you've won? You know you live on the 14th Floor of a tower block and you've won a speedboat? Yes? Well that was me. So next up to go with my new shinny toaster comes a KETTLE!!. I'm 21 FFS and I'm opening household goods, as all around me people are opening books, videos and such like.

The Old Man notices I'm now getting the right hump and passes off a present that was his to me, trying to offer me some hope. I rip at the paper thinking it cant get any worse, oh but it does, I OPEN SLIPPERS!!.  The Old Man can hold it in no longer and is now roaring with laughter, hes laughing so much he cant even speak, yeah thanks for that.Now thoroughly pissed off I refuse too open anymore until the wife to be arrives so as she can share in the joy of these presents. Mum notices Ive got the arse and starts apologising saying she didn't realise that everyone would do this too me? Do I belive her? No not really.

You see my Mum, god bless her, is a homely woman who likes too buy things for the house. She sees DVDS and CD'S as a waste of money and would rather buy things that will be used all year round. I have nothing wrong with that, I really don't but that year it went way over the top. Now before you all call me ungrateful, remember I was 21, think of what you got when you was 21 or if your kids are old enough what you are getting them this year, then you ll understand.

I have too say though I now look back on that Christmas and laugh about it as does my Mum, call it the Christmas that made me, it wasn't funny at the time and I know they meant well but by god it was awful. So do I beat yours? If not let me know in the comments below.

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