Dear Santa For Christmas I Would Like..........An Alternative Letter

Over the past few nights my 4 kids have been writing letters too Father Christmas. My eldest who is 10 going on 14 is probably at the last year where she will believe in Father Christmas and that's a shame. She will eventually see it for the commercialisation money festival that it is. Don't get me wrong I love Christmas and over the next few days Ill shall be doing my Top 10 Christmas joys. To balance that out though I will also be doing the Top 10 Worst things about Christmas.

Ive been told Ive been good this year by the kids so with their love and encouragement I have decided to write him a letter and see if this year he listens. He hasn't for the past 37 years of my life but hey I haven't won the lottery either yet so Ill live in hope. Here we go then my letter to the Big Guy.

Dear Santa

I hope this letter has reached you and you are safe and well ( always good to be nice before you ask for things I'm told ). For some reason  my last 37 letters have got lost as all the things Ive asked for I haven't got. I know your busy but come on big guy is it too difficult for me too get just ONE thing on my list? I even said the mother in laws new hair do was nice (you should have seen it my god how I kept a straight face Ill never know).

Ive been very patient with people this year, well okay a few twats Ive wanted too smack but come on there must be a few Elf's you have wanted to hit this year? Ive been nice to my sister, yeah I know it is a burden I carry but hey what can you do?. Ive thought nice thoughts about lots of people, okay some I cant tell you about (you cant mind read as well can you, just thought Id check). Anyway seeing as Ive been so good here is what I want for Christmas.

Firstly I want my feet at some stage to enter a room before my belly if that's okay.

Secondly I want the hair on my head to grow faster than it does out of my ears and nose. That cant be too much to ask can it? I mean if I wanted too plat my nose hair Id have gone and bought some ribbons!

Thirdly I want a 50" LCD TV. Ive a wall with my wedding day picture framed on it (oh very 90's I know) and to be fair I hate it. Don't tell the wife though she hates it more than me but I'm winning the argument about it staying up too drive her nuts.

Fourth I want three stars on Angry Birds. Its driving me nuts and I WANT IT TOO END!

Fifth I want my boys who are 4 and 3 too stop waking me up by sitting on my head and saying "Daddy my dinky is on your head" and laughing like a pair of maniac's as they do it

Sixth I want too be able to have a shit in peace. Every time I go too the loo the kids are knocking on the door telling me I smell and then moaning that they cant get in the bathroom. I have two toilets in my house its not my fault your mother has dropped one in the other one and stunk it out is it!

Seventh I want to be able to drink more than two pints of beer without getting pissed. Whats all that about? I used to be able too drink 10 Snaklebites and then walk home afterwards. Now I have TWO beers and I'm like a giggly teenager.

Eighth I want too stop turning into my Dad. I love him with all my heart but I am shouting at the telly now like he does. I'm having a go at the paper and I'm moaning under my breath at people on the tube. Id have said something to their faces years ago!

Ninth I want too eat a fried breakfast every morning and not worry about it punching my heart on the way down. Oh how I yearn for the days when I could eat what I wanted and not get indigestion by just looking at a Krispy Kreme donut.

Finally number 10. If you give me only one thing on this list then let it be this. I want you to help me find the right publisher in the New Year so as I can get Sammy The Elf published. I put you in it for gods sake its the least you can do for me isn't it.

Anyway Ive just heard there are mince pies on sale down the Co-Op so I'm off. Don't let me down big guy I'm counting on you this year.

Thanks

Anthony Hodgson aged 38 and 2 months

There you go then my letter for Father Christmas. If you could have anything for Christmas what would it be? Let me know in the comments below.