Thursday, 9 December 2010
Dear Santa For Christmas I Would Like..........An Alternative Letter
Ive been told Ive been good this year by the kids so with their love and encouragement I have decided to write him a letter and see if this year he listens. He hasn't for the past 37 years of my life but hey I haven't won the lottery either yet so Ill live in hope. Here we go then my letter to the Big Guy.
I hope this letter has reached you and you are safe and well ( always good to be nice before you ask for things I'm told ). For some reason my last 37 letters have got lost as all the things Ive asked for I haven't got. I know your busy but come on big guy is it too difficult for me too get just ONE thing on my list? I even said the mother in laws new hair do was nice (you should have seen it my god how I kept a straight face Ill never know).
Ive been very patient with people this year, well okay a few twats Ive wanted too smack but come on there must be a few Elf's you have wanted to hit this year? Ive been nice to my sister, yeah I know it is a burden I carry but hey what can you do?. Ive thought nice thoughts about lots of people, okay some I cant tell you about (you cant mind read as well can you, just thought Id check). Anyway seeing as Ive been so good here is what I want for Christmas.
Firstly I want my feet at some stage to enter a room before my belly if that's okay.
Secondly I want the hair on my head to grow faster than it does out of my ears and nose. That cant be too much to ask can it? I mean if I wanted too plat my nose hair Id have gone and bought some ribbons!
Thirdly I want a 50" LCD TV. Ive a wall with my wedding day picture framed on it (oh very 90's I know) and to be fair I hate it. Don't tell the wife though she hates it more than me but I'm winning the argument about it staying up too drive her nuts.
Fourth I want three stars on Angry Birds. Its driving me nuts and I WANT IT TOO END!
Fifth I want my boys who are 4 and 3 too stop waking me up by sitting on my head and saying "Daddy my dinky is on your head" and laughing like a pair of maniac's as they do it
Sixth I want too be able to have a shit in peace. Every time I go too the loo the kids are knocking on the door telling me I smell and then moaning that they cant get in the bathroom. I have two toilets in my house its not my fault your mother has dropped one in the other one and stunk it out is it!
Seventh I want to be able to drink more than two pints of beer without getting pissed. Whats all that about? I used to be able too drink 10 Snaklebites and then walk home afterwards. Now I have TWO beers and I'm like a giggly teenager.
Eighth I want too stop turning into my Dad. I love him with all my heart but I am shouting at the telly now like he does. I'm having a go at the paper and I'm moaning under my breath at people on the tube. Id have said something to their faces years ago!
Ninth I want too eat a fried breakfast every morning and not worry about it punching my heart on the way down. Oh how I yearn for the days when I could eat what I wanted and not get indigestion by just looking at a Krispy Kreme donut.
Finally number 10. If you give me only one thing on this list then let it be this. I want you to help me find the right publisher in the New Year so as I can get Sammy The Elf published. I put you in it for gods sake its the least you can do for me isn't it.
Anyway Ive just heard there are mince pies on sale down the Co-Op so I'm off. Don't let me down big guy I'm counting on you this year.
Anthony Hodgson aged 38 and 2 months
There you go then my letter for Father Christmas. If you could have anything for Christmas what would it be? Let me know in the comments below.